Turnabout Snacktime
by Sparrow Townshend
Summary: A strange tale of late nights, Southern snack food, and illegal video uploads.


Version 1.2 (9/21/08)

**TURNABOUT SNACKTIME**

**By Sparrow Townshend**

Phoenix looked at the clock and saw its hands start to meld together._  
Almost midnight..._

Sighing, he pushed aside the reports he had been reading. As his concentration left the tasks it had been immersed in, it occurred to Phoenix that he was extremely hungry. Looking through the desk for his usual late-night dinner of instant noodles, he found several packets of noodle flavoring...but no noodles. He glanced over at the couch in the corner of his office, where Maya Fey had fallen asleep. She looked so peaceful with her hair hanging in her eyes...her hand dangling over the arm of the couch...a strand of drool hanging out of the corner of her mouth.

_I don't have to wake her up_, he thought. _I don't want to, either. She worked hard today. She deserves that sleep._

His stomach grumbled at him. Phoenix opened the bottom drawer of a grey metal filing cabinet – the drawer he saved for things that didn't really fit in any of the other places in his office. He began taking things out of the cabinet, placing them quietly onto the floor beside it._  
Pink Princess DVD, picture of Maya and Pearl at Christmas, letter from Adrian, Pearl's instant miso, package from Lotta...__  
Wait, what's in that package?_

Phoenix guessed that the package had been carelessly tossed into the drawer by one of the Fey girls, most likely during a busy time of the year. He opened the package, hoping that it contained something edible._ I'd even go for some of those packing peanuts now._

"Double cheesebooger," Maya mumbled, stirring in her sleep.

Despite the vagueness of her words, Phoenix found himself getting even hungrier as the image of a steaming hot double cheeseburger flashed in his mind's eye. He continued ripping the package open as quietly as possible. A small piece of paper fell out of the package as he opened it.

**_Greetings from the heartland! How are y'all doing? I came home for a few days to see my good old hometown, so I decided to send y'all one of our regional specialties! Enjoy! And if you ever want some more, just give me a holler!  
--Lotta_**

Phoenix dug into the package for the "specialty," his mouth watering as he pictured a plate of fried chicken.

**_UNCLE BILLY'S PORK RINDS – 100 PERCENT REAL PORK!_**

_What the heck are pork rinds?_ Phoenix thought, shaking the bag._  
Whatever it is, it sounds like potato chips..._  
He opened the bag and popped one of the rinds into his mouth._  
Tastes enough like potato chips, too._  
He ate several more, returning to his desk with the bag.

_Well, they are "100 percent real." But that's not what concerns me. I think I'd be happier with something not skin. I think only dogs eat this stuff everywhere else_, he thought, remembering the pigs' ears he'd bought for a friend's dog a long time ago.

Phoenix leaned back in his chair, exhaustion gradually washing over him, the greasy feeling of satisfaction and fullness from the pork rinds weighing down on his eyelids.

* * *

"WAKE UP MR. NICK, WAKE UP!" Pearl shouted, shoving a cup of coffee at his face.

"WE'RE GONNA BE SUPER LATE!" Maya lamented, busily stuffing the necessary files into Phoenix's briefcase.

"Why didn't you wake me up sooner?" he yawned, too exhausted to be angry.

"'Cause you looked so darn cute sleeping like that...Nicky," Maya replied, jumping into his lap._  
Was she always like this, or is she just crazy THIS morning?_  
As stupefied as he was, he couldn't push her aside.

Court.

Oddly enough, the viewing demographic was almost entirely teenage girls in school uniforms. They chatted excitedly on their cell phones, a multitude of cell phone straps and charms glittering and blinking like an alien spaceship.

"And as I was saying," a voice said.

Phoenix looked across the courtroom. _Miles Edgeworth. Great. Why today?_

"Yes, as I was saying, the defendant is clearly at fault for downloading so many episodes illegally. She obviously has no respect for the film industry."

Phoenix couldn't even remember why he was there, or who "she" was. Hearing someone crying, he turned to see Maya sobbing, with Pearl sniffling beside her.

"I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS WRONG I SWEAR! IS IT SO WRONG TO BE ADDICTED TO A QUALITY TV SHOW?! I WAS JUST SHOWING THE OLD EPS TO PEARLY! SHE HADN'T SEEN THEMMMM!" Maya bawled.

"You're not helping," Phoenix said to her quietly.

"The downloads were free. It's not her fault for taking them. If something is free, it's human nature for people to take it!" he continued.

"Well, I have to agree with you there," Edgeworth said, nodding.

_What?!_

"Speaking of which, ladies, I'm free tonight," he continued.  
A deafening squeal erupted from the crowd of schoolgirls.

"Yes, the person at fault here is most certainly the person who uploaded those episodes," Edgeworth continued. "Miss Fey, what is your username on this 'videovault' website?"

"Well of course it's IHEARTPHOENIX," Maya said, far more loudly than necessary.

"According to these records, your account was terminated yesterday for uploading copyrighted material!"  
Everyone gasped. Maya started crying again.

"Stop harassing her!" Phoenix shouted, throwing his briefcase at Edgeworth.

"Yeah, that's MR. NICK'S job!" Pearl said.  
Phoenix glared at her.

"So you see, not only is Miss Fey a brazen pirate with no respect for the sanctity of copyright and quality television...her lawyer is an immoral pervert!" Edgeworth said, pointing at Phoenix.  
Everyone gasped.

"Do you have any proof of that?" Phoenix said, feeling like he'd already lost.

"Of what?" Edgeworth said.

"That I sexually harassed my employee?"

"She's not your employee, you liar. According to my research, you don't pay her anything. Now why, ladies and gentlemen, would Mr. Wright have an innocent young lady work in his office for no pay? Because she is being ABUSED!"

"That doesn't even make any sense!" Phoenix protested.  
He looked towards the judge.

"Oh? Hm? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Could you repeat what you just said, from, uh, 'The prosecution is ready?'" the judge said, looking up from the BIG-ASS SUDOKU CHALLENGE BOOK he was scribbling numbers in.

"THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" Phoenix shouted. He ran towards the courtroom door, slamming into it.

* * *

"Nick, wake up! You fell asleep at your desk, silly!" Maya said, playfully shoving him.

"Oh god..." Phoenix said, rubbing his eyes.

"Ha ha, look, he's all sweaty and pale!" Maya laughed, clapping her hands together.

"I guess even grown-ups get nightmares," Pearl said, trying to contain her laughter.

"Yeah! If you eat _anything_ right before you go to sleep, especially fatty snacks, you can get nightmares!" Maya said, poking the half-empty bag of pork rinds and giggling.

_You don't say..._

**THE END**

All characters © Capcom. This is a non-profit parody.

**Author Notes:**

My second PW fic. I hope you had a lot of fun reading it. I certainly had fun writing it. Ironically, the idea came to me very late last night...or very early this morning, whichever you prefer. I once had a crazy nightmare after eating some kind of Okinawan cake that tasted like pumpkin pie right before bed a while back. Yes, I am originally from the South. No, I do not eat pork rinds or encourage the eating of pork rinds (but if that's your thing, go for it). I have now-amusing memories of (what seemed normal when I lived there) walking into gas station convenience stores off the highway and seeing pork rinds (also called pork skins), Little Debbie cakes (yum!), RC Cola, boiled peanuts (drool), Sno-Balls, Krispy Kreme donuts, pickled pigs feet in a jar, and all kinds of Southern delights.


End file.
